My Barbie Dream Horse

Well, I finally made a decision and bought... a Barbie Dream Horse.  That wasn't my intention, but after months of sifting through inexpensive horses I finally found one that was sound, calm and pretty.  She just happened to be a large Palomino pony. So I bought her straight out of a barbed wire pasture an hour south of where I live, after taking a trial ride bareback because the girths I brought were too large.

The couple that owned her have trail horses, and they had gotten this mare for the grandkids, but the grandkids rarely came over to ride.  So, a few Sundays ago, I hooked up my trailer for the first time in years and made my way down narrow country roads to find their house.  This turned out to be a wasted effort, because they kept the horses in a field several miles from where they lived, although for some reason the woman had neglected to tell me that on the phone. Maybe it was some kind of twisted natural selection trick she was pulling on me:  Only the most determined person would be allowed to purchase this pony.

The husband of the couple that owned her pulled up to my window in his dually pickup and said "You're lost, ain't you?"  I refrained from comment and turned my rig around to follow them to the field, then pulled over on the shoulder of the road because there was no place else to park.  The husband untwisted the loop of wire that held the makeshift gate together and let me into the field.  The horses looked up briefly from grazing roughage that was in desperate need of a bush hog.  Despite the lack of good pasture, the little mare was in decent condition: Another plus in her favor, she's an easy keeper.

After a brief trial ride it was evident to me that the Barbie Dream Horse isn't trained to a very high level, but she was very good natured and willing, so I offered them only as much cash as my credit union allows me to withdraw from an ATM in one day.  The wife of the couple left the field to write the bill of sale on a napkin, and I put my trailer ramp down and led the mare up.  She loaded easily and, again showing her calm nature, did not even look back at the other horses. The mare went straight to picking hay out of the net while we secured the ramp.  

"That's the best little horse" the husband assured me right before I drove away "tell you what, if you don't think so bring her back here and I'll give you your money back."  Of course, we both knew that wasn't going to happen, because I couldn't find that field again if my life depended on it...

Next blog:  Riding the Barbie Dream Horse

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Maybe if You Paid ME...

Perusing Craigslist recently I spotted this revealing little ad.  It almost made me want to meet this person and find out how s/he stays so optimistic.  (Remember, I said "almost".)  Here is the text of the ad, and below it is my translation:

15 year old dark bay gelding pony. About 11 hands...Still have to measure him. He's so gosh darn cute. He needs an experienced horse owner. He has got a great personality...Sometimes I feel like I am dealing with a 2 yr child, but that just makes me love him more! He needs a very patient person. If you want anymore info or would like to meet him you can email. $795

Translation:  15 year old pony gelding for sale.  We have finally given up on getting him to do anything useful for us.  He is about 11 hands, but I'm not totally sure because you can't get near him with a measuring stick.  He's so cute... that's about it for good points, he's cute.  He needs an experienced horse owner (some things don't need translation).  Sometimes I feel like I am dealing with a spoiled toddler because, well, he's like a spoiled toddler.  However, I would like you to believe that just makes me love him more, so I am using an exclamation point!  I love him so much that I want him gone!  He needs a very patient person, maybe someone who is in training to be a Zen monk.  All five pictures I am posting with this ad showcase his only real talent, which is grazing.  For some reason, I think someone out there will pay me $795 for the pleasure of feeding this pony.  Please call or email!

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Craigslist Cops: Angels or Control Freaks with Too Much Time on Their Hands????

A few months back, our little terrier mix dog dug out under the backyard fence, pulling his collar off in the process, and went visiting around the neighborhood.  This dog is very precious to my kids and especially to my husband (I once considered suing the dog for alienation of affection; he gets more kisses than I do).  

Anyway, when the dog went missing it was a major trauma.  I took the morning off work to visit the animal shelter, humane society, and call every vet in the area.  Another thing I did was put an ad in the Craigslist pet section.

Now, when you place ad about an animal on Craigslist, you have to realize you are automatically subjecting yourself to what I call the "Craigslist Cops"-- people who apparently have so much time on their hands that they spend their days policing animal ads, sometimes trying to make helpful connections, and sometimes blasting people.

Fortunately, I found our little dog later that same day.  However, for days afterwards I was still getting emails from people pointing me to various "dog found" ads on Craigslist.  In this case the motivation of the Craigslist cops was clearly benign and could have been helpful, even if it was a little creepy to know that anyone was watching my online activity that closely.

However, some people who post on Craigslist, especially when trying to rehome animals (particularly horses it seems) come under fire from the cops for various real or perceived offenses to animal welfare.  The following ad, copied verbatim from an actual Craigslist ad, is a case in point:

IF YOU CAN LOAD IT YOU CAN HAVE IT!

HORSE DOES (NOT) RIDE
YOU CAN'T GET A BLANKET WITHIN 5 FEET OF IT
IT TIES....BUT NOT FOR LONG
IT EATS....WAY TOO WELL

WOULD MAKE A NICE BROOD MARE OR COMPANION HORSE
DOESN'T BITE OR KICK OR HAVE ANY BAD MANNERS
SHE GETS ALONG WITH OTHER HORSES AND SMALL DOGS

BUT SHE HAS TO GO, I HAVE A 2 YEAR OLD COLT IN TRAINING AND SHE'S HOLDING THAT UP AND I DON'T NEED HER NOR WANT HER BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE THE TIME TO DEAL WITH ONE THAT IS THIS PSYCHO. 

HAD I ONLY KNOWN.....

Thank you for viewing my ad, If you have any problem with me being a little to HONEST here about the way this horse is come see it for yourself and while you're at it try and load it...
Obviously because I am picky as to where it goes. She is not a KIDS horse, BEGINNERS horse, or MEAT market horse. You guys no not know my situation or the horse so DO NOT jump to conclusions that I am allowing her to go to the meat market because I do not care about her. Apparently she's fat and healthy so if I DIDN'T CARE...WHY WOULD I WASTE MY TIME AND MONEY ON HER? None like most people, HORSE TRADERS, UNDER THE TABLE RESCUES THAT PUT ON FRONTS SO THEY CAN FRAUD PPL, UM...MEAT MARKETS, ABUSERS...

I AM NOT GOING TO LIE AND SAY THIS HORSE IS A BOMB PROOF KIDS HORSE THAT ANYBODY AND EVERYBODY COULD RIDE, I'M NOT GOING TO GIVE YOU FALSE PAPERS AND SAY THEY ARE HERS....(SHE HAS NO PAPERS AS SHE IS NOT REGISTERED) NOR AM I TOO SAY THAT SHE CLIPS, TIES, BATHES, LOADS, PICKS UP HER FEET, COMES TO YOU, OR ANYTHING.

THIS HORSE ONCE AGAIN DOES NOT LOAD, (IT'S NOT BROKE TO RIDE) WHICH MEANS "YOU CAN'T GET ON HER". I DONT KNOW HOW TO BE MORE CLEAR THAN THAT. GUESS THE NEXT IDIOT WHO DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO READ I'LL LIE. SEEMS LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE DOES ANYWAY.

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Free Pony...the True Cost

Poking around the "Farm and Garden" section on various regional Craiglists, I came across this irresistible ad: 

I have a free pony thst i want to give away. He stays in the pasture and out in the yard. The only reason why i am giving him away is he is eating up my uncle garden.My ##########, call ...he is a little taller than waist height I thimk he is ridable he just like to be with other horses. He is fast as lighting.

Here is a loose translation, based on 30+ years of horse experience, a dash of cynicism, and a little box wine:

I have a free pony, repeat, free pony, as in, PLEASE take him away.  This matter is so urgent that I can't be bothered with standard written English.  The pony stays in the pasture, that is, when he isn't breaking into the yard area to wreak havoc and destroy my uncle's garden.  This makes for a dicey situation, since I have been staying in a trailer behind my uncle's house ever since the trucking company let me go for that little indiscretion involving the premixed margaritas.  The last time I was able to get near this pony, I noticed he came up to my waist.  I think he is rideable, but I value my health too much to try it.  Mostly he hides behind the other horses and breaks out to eat the garden; those are his hobbies.  He is fast as lightening (some things don't require translation).  Come get him.  Please.  

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That's Where You Come In

Here is an ad I saw recently:

Black Mustang gelding, about 6 yo, He came with a rope around his neck. I got him halter broke, saddled and bridled. I am too old to try to ride him. That's where you come in.  He is well mannered around the barn, very smart. Would make a good jumper or barrel horse. $600.

It's hard to know, this could be a great deal or a quick trip to the hospital.  How does this person know that this Mustang would make a good jumper or barrel horse?  Does he clear the dutch doors on a regular basis?  Hop over the fence and visit the neighbors' horses?  And his barrel potential... does he demonstrate it by fading right and then levitating back left, smack into the person leading him?

Perhaps I'm too circumspect, after years of looking at inexpensive horses.  There are definitely some diamonds in the rough out there, but it takes some looking.  However, at least we know this horse does come with at least one valuable attribute:  His own rope!

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True Love Waits...or Not

Last summer my husband found a kitten living under a van and brought it home to join our assortment of barn cats.  She is a fine little calico kitty:  She clings to your neck like a baby if you lift her up, and she loves to play with our young dachshund.

How could anything possibly go wrong?  Well, before daybreak the other morning, which is usually my quiet time (I feed the dogs and sit down in the dark with a cup of coffee to pray), my younger son woke up terrified.

"Mom, Mom, what was that sound?"

The sound was the terrible wailing of a cat going into heat.  Sure enough, when I went outside, the "baby" cat emerged from the barn wailing and posturing like...well... like the star of a really tasteless music video.

Where I live, which is very country (as we say around here), folks don't get their animals spayed.  They get them "spaded."  Hearing this always brings to my mind a picture of someone hitting a wailing female dog or cat over the head with a shovel, which I suppose would deliver a message something like this:  Snap out of it!  Forget about this crazy impulse and stay in the yard!

My husband contends it is time for me to get a "What's Happening to My Body?" workbook and go through it with the kitty.  I contend it's time for him to start taking her to "True Love Waits" classes.  He is stalling.  Really, of course, it's time for another trip to the vet, which we will take as soon as I get paid at the end of the month.  True love will only wait so long.

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14.5 Hands, and Other Creative Takes on Horsey Reality

Browsing the farm classifieds this morning, I came across a phenomenon I see on a regular basis:   A horse described as being some number .5 hands.  Clearly, either the owner doesn't understand the system of measuring by hands (each hand is just four inches, so a 14.5 hand horse is really 15.1), or that person is stubbornly clinging to his/her own version of reality.  Knowing horsepeople, either explanation is possible.

Not that I haven't been stubborn and made my own share of gaffes.  For example, I recall the time I was thrown up my horse's neck at my very first event.  Instead of just allowing myself to fall so that I could get back on and begin to recover, I rode around for a moment struggling to get back in the saddle.  Now that looked silly; fortunately for me, that happened in another state and none of my current horsey friends saw it!

I'm sure you can think of times when you, or someone you know, has made a horse-related mistake out of stubbornness.  I recall when someone I know put a young horse in a stall next to some turkeys, on the principle that he ought to get over his fear of their clatter.   Sure, you can see the logic to the argument, but perhaps the execution was a little too abrupt.  The horse got over something, all right:  He came right over the top of the dutch door.

One time, I purchased vinyl fencing because I was convinced by an article I had read that it combined that best features of many kinds of fencing: It is durable, and there are no boards to splinter and no wires that cut.  What I didn't anticipate was that my mare's first foal, an inquisitive little colt, would pop in and out of the paddock like a child slipping between the bars of a jungle gym.  I had to put up a strand of electric fence in a hurry!

I have no doubt that, while I may avoid repeating some of the mistakes I have made in the past, I will continue to learn some things the hard way in the horse world.  However, I no longer worry as much about my pride, which after all might get in the way of me actually learning from the experience.  When I was at a clinic several years back with one of the finest horsemen ever to swing a leg over a saddle, Ray Hunt, I heard him say "I don't ever make the same mistake twice; I'm too busy making new ones!"


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Empty Stall Syndrome (ESS)

In my experience it has always been true that nature abhors an empty stall, so it is all the more remarkable that my four stall barn has stood empty for two years.  Well, empty of all but some bicycles and lawn tractors... it's hard to believe that I used to run a boarding/lesson operation.  This was in addition to having two small children AND working full time.  I look back at myself (as I was in those days) with a mix of admiration for my energy level and contempt for my poor judgement.  It was crazy to do all those things at once.   However, you know how it is when something is rolling along, it's hard to break out of patterns.

Not that I ever made much money, but back then the boarding/lesson operation did make a small profit to supplement my tiny salary from academic advising.  That is, if I calculated the worth of my time in the barn at about a dollar an hour!   This is the trap horsepeople fall into; it always amazes me when I see local barns trying to undercut each other on board rates.  Yet, by the time you buy feed and hay and shavings, there isn't much left to pay yourself for all the time you spend cleaning stalls or sitting up with a colicky horse while you wait for its owner to arrive...

At any rate here I am now, not trying to get back into the horse business, but slowly preparing to get  another horse.  My husband (bless his heart, as we say here in the South), has taken down my rickety old paddock fence and replaced it with a solid, three-board fence.  It still needs painting, but that was a huge step in the right direction.  We also still need to string the new electric polywire around the pastures, and then hook up the new charger.  Recalling a few adventures that ensued from electric fences that weren't strong enough, this time I bought a charger that is rated for everything up to Elk and Bison (I'm not kidding, this thing will knock you flat if you touch the wire).

I have to laugh when I reflect on how differently I am proceeding now.  Ten years ago, horses used to show up on my farm almost as regularly as stray kittens...and we would just adjust and move on.  It doesn't help that I have a real weakness for OTTB (off the track Thoroughbreds) and other project horses.  Once, I drove all the way up to Rhode Island to rescue a TB that had raced and then been used as a "pony" horse on the track... what the man didn't share with me was that the horse was anhydrous.  That means he couldn't sweat to cool off; this creates a real problem in southeastern NC!

I keep telling myself that this time, I will be rational.  This time I will choose some superbroke, pleasant little Quarter Horse.  This time I will not give in when someone I know calls with me an equine hard luck story.  Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go write this one hundred times:  I will not give in to empty stall syndrome, I will not give in to empty stall syndrome...



*******If you think this blog is funny, read an excerpt of my book here "Horsewomen in Foal and Other Equestrian Adventures" -- this comes with my exclusive Laugh Until You Pee Guarantee (certain exclusions apply: guarantee only good for women who have had at least two children)

Will Trade Dog for Another Donkey

Well, you have to give the person who wrote this ad high marks for creativity:

I have a lonesome male donkey and am looking to trade a puppy for a female. Right now he is in a pasture with 2 cows and they are giving him a hard time because he is just trying to be to be friends. He needs a friend of his own. I have a litter (4) 6 wk old yorkies and would like to trade one for a jenny. My donkey has the cross on his back so I would like to have one like that but would consider all.

Not to say this is a bad deal, because this could be the perfect opportunity for someone who happens to have a jenny with a cross on her back, but this ad brought to mind an trade I once made.  I traded a nice two-wheeled cart for an ancient pony who had Cushings' disease.  Don't ask me what I was thinking, because I'm quite sure I wasn't... except that he was a very gentle, sweet pony and I wanted him when my boys were little.  The only trouble was, he was not just thin, he was a walking skeleton, and I spent hundreds on medicine and special feed before he was well enough even to lead around with a child on his back.

However, "Scrappy" (his name was "Scrappy", but my older son had a habit then of dropping the "S" sound from words, so for a while he was "Crappy the pony") had another unusual attribute I have never seen before or since.  His mane was so heavy and long that it had actually pulled the crest of his thin neck over to the right side.  When our typical hot NC weather started for the summer I debated with myself for a long time, and finally roached his mane.  It took an hour, even with sharp clippers.  When I was finished he shook his head a trotted off in the pasture, no doubt feeling much cooler.

I think Scrappy enjoyed his last year on earth.  Even though he arrived at my farm with one hoof in the grave he rallied, put on weight, and seemed to enjoy being petted and groomed by the children.  Mostly, he hung out in the field with my retired mare, but every once in a while we would put a saddle on him and walk around.  Nothing too strenuous.  His previous owner told me Scrappy had once been a pony ride pony.  I don't know whether that is true, but he certainly had the patience of a saint.  When finally his little body gave out he lay in the pasture taking his last breaths.  I sat beside, stroked his forehead, and thanked him for all he had done for people in his long life.  His kind brown eyes focused on me for a moment, and his ear flicked at my voice.  What a great spirit.  In the end, I realized what a good trade I had made.




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